Monday, April 26, 2010

So here I am in this guys condo i barley know and he is in Hawaii many states away and i am about to get busted for my first possession charge that was most likely land me in prison. tears began to burn my tired eyes and i dared to look an the officer. He reached his gloved hand into the drawer and slowly slid a stack of papers from its contents. I heard clearly the sound of something sliding off the stack of washed checks. clang, clang, clang, clang. 4 loaded syringes full of tar heroin fell to the bottom of the wooden drawer. my body tensed up as my heart began to race and pound in my chest. I could feel the beads of sweat burning my scabbed face.
That's when the eyes of the good Lord shown through that detectives cool gaze as he held up the stack of papers. "here is what we came for, now hook her up" he said to the officer with him. "did you get everything in that dresser?" his partner asked "ya, now cuff her and lets go get her booked to home base" he replied avoiding my grateful glance of shock.
What followed was the whirlwind of booking at the Marion County Corrections. I was finger printed, my mug shot was taken as well as all scars marks and tattoos. the normal drill. I know I was going to be extremely ill for a long time dew to the heroin withdraw and I was. I did a 3 months and was given probation. Adult probation. I don't know why that officer did what he did but he kept me from having drug charges. To this day I have none and plan to keep it that way.
The following years with my ex husband....were might I say the craziest years of my life. I got real strung out and OD'd several times. I got busted at the airport with drugs and swallowed them all causing me to go into a drug induced coma that I had to get shot up with Narcan at the hospital to bring me back.
I went to Hawaii and got hooked on Ice, came home only to see heroin take the life of my best friend Nikki. I was told she was in the hospital on a gurney when her room mate saw me in the ER trying to score the very drug she combined with heroin to OD. Klonipin.
I don't want to ever relive the moment I was told she was dead. i ended up in a mental hospital and stayed there about 3 months. they had to give me methadone to detox because it nearly killed me coming off heroin i was so thin...
that's about it for tonight. I am emotionally shot. It is so hard to write about all this as it is not only shameful, but i go back to that dark smokey place. that place of cement walls cold as ice and helpless battles with the disease of addiction only one who has lived it could possibly understand.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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Such a cool giveaway from such a reputable company at that.
This would be perfect for indoor or out door fun allthough I must say it would be an outside tou for my 2 year old. What kid dosent love to play with water?
You can win one for your littly one by clicking the link below!
Good luck!

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Monday, April 5, 2010

back to childhood

sometimes I wish i could go back to my childhood. the days when we lived on 727 meadow lane and the summer time would evoke me with sweet smells of freshly cut grass ans wet dirt from my mother watering the roses. the taste of garden tomatos and sound of my brother and I splashing in the pool. to think about those days brought tears to my eyes many times as i knew they were gone forever and I would never get them back again. they were gone with the wasted years that followed

Sunday, April 4, 2010


The following years were filled with more drugs and older men. more trips to JDH and finally at 18 I was off probation and free to do as I wish. I moved out of my brothers where I had been livibg for many years as I was kicked out of my parents house. I met a man 20 years older and moved in with him. He was fresh from prison foe importation of drugs into the states. He had done many years in federal prison and picked up the trade of being an HVAC tech. He had a full time job at a place called Jet Heating and this job offered to fly him to Hawaii for a job. Trip, place to live and predeum all offered. I was to stay and watch over his apartment and he would send me rent, food money and cash to feed my habit while he was gone. I was thrilled to have a sugar daddy that actualy worked and kept me high around the clock. He had a habbit too and was ready to kick it after he landed in Hawaii. We had been togeather about 3 months when he left. We said our goodbuys and got loaded togeather for his last time for 3 months. He walked out the door and I got on the phome with our drug dealer and he arived an hour later.
Things fell apart all around me after the drug dealer moved in. He got me higher than Terry ever could afford. I sat there high on heroin and smokeing meth all day. I let the condo go to shit. People moved in and I would use the dresser to hold the bedroom door shut as I was so paranoied people were going to come in the room and see my condition. I looked like death. scabs covered my body, track marks were all over my arms and neck, my eyer darted around wiledly and I had gotted a few new absesses.
I would let the dealer in and a couple close friends once in a while but thats all.
The day came when my worst fear came true and the police showed up with a warrent. Dealer was gone. Just Tommy (terrys cousin) was there and his wife. The police marched directly up to my room. like they knew where everything was. I had 10 filly loaded needles in my top drawr allong with an aray of checks I still had intended to wash. I had a stack of credit cards in the bathroom. I panicked and stood there with just a jersey on and nothing else. My skinny brused legs and arms exposed.
I jearked about and was instructed to sit on the bed and I did. The officers began the small talk by asking me how I had been. I was well known by the police. it seemed I allways got busted by the same set of cops. I was being investigated I later discovered. The older officer that had known me since I was 14 began looking throught the room. He began explaining he was there for "paper work" and wanted to know where it all was. I knew where it was. in the top drawr. where all the heroin was. where my meth pipe was. I panicked more. The other officer began drilling me about the whereabouts of all the biggest dealers in Salem and I claimed to not know. I lied. I had known these people 5 years. I was not breaking the code...then the officer slid open the top heart dropped