Monday, April 26, 2010

So here I am in this guys condo i barley know and he is in Hawaii many states away and i am about to get busted for my first possession charge that was most likely land me in prison. tears began to burn my tired eyes and i dared to look an the officer. He reached his gloved hand into the drawer and slowly slid a stack of papers from its contents. I heard clearly the sound of something sliding off the stack of washed checks. clang, clang, clang, clang. 4 loaded syringes full of tar heroin fell to the bottom of the wooden drawer. my body tensed up as my heart began to race and pound in my chest. I could feel the beads of sweat burning my scabbed face.
That's when the eyes of the good Lord shown through that detectives cool gaze as he held up the stack of papers. "here is what we came for, now hook her up" he said to the officer with him. "did you get everything in that dresser?" his partner asked "ya, now cuff her and lets go get her booked to home base" he replied avoiding my grateful glance of shock.
What followed was the whirlwind of booking at the Marion County Corrections. I was finger printed, my mug shot was taken as well as all scars marks and tattoos. the normal drill. I know I was going to be extremely ill for a long time dew to the heroin withdraw and I was. I did a 3 months and was given probation. Adult probation. I don't know why that officer did what he did but he kept me from having drug charges. To this day I have none and plan to keep it that way.
The following years with my ex husband....were might I say the craziest years of my life. I got real strung out and OD'd several times. I got busted at the airport with drugs and swallowed them all causing me to go into a drug induced coma that I had to get shot up with Narcan at the hospital to bring me back.
I went to Hawaii and got hooked on Ice, came home only to see heroin take the life of my best friend Nikki. I was told she was in the hospital on a gurney when her room mate saw me in the ER trying to score the very drug she combined with heroin to OD. Klonipin.
I don't want to ever relive the moment I was told she was dead. i ended up in a mental hospital and stayed there about 3 months. they had to give me methadone to detox because it nearly killed me coming off heroin i was so thin...
that's about it for tonight. I am emotionally shot. It is so hard to write about all this as it is not only shameful, but i go back to that dark smokey place. that place of cement walls cold as ice and helpless battles with the disease of addiction only one who has lived it could possibly understand.


  1. It is SO hard to write stuff like this...the truth is the hardest. But the old adage, "The truth will set you free" is very correct. You are very brave. Keep up the good fight!

  2. The best part of it all is that it's in the past, and you are NOT!

  3. this is the truth! its good to be home:)