Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm a mental!!

I will openly admit...i still take drugs and I hate it. I take Lexapro and as of today I have been prescribed SeroquelXR for a serous sleeping disorder primarily caused by bipolar disorder. I can ask myself if it was the drugs in the past that caused me to HAVE TO take the pills i take today OR I can say was it the mental illness that drew me to the lure of self sedation as a teen. As i teen i took part in a variety of activities that suggested something was terribly wrong. Self harm and drug abuse primarily. I remember allot of isolation and pounding the dark lyrics of Marilyn Manson into my brain with headphones.
This is much like witch came first...the chicken or the egg..?
I am certainly irrational at times questioning my ability as a parent, wife and daughter. I doubt my ability to get the education i need to be able to give my family the lifestyle we all want. I trudge along and live one day to the next wishing to GOD there was some way to fix whats broken. I am broken.
Then there are days all is going amazing well and I'm flying through math class jumping one hurdle to the next. I am able to do my writing with ease and writers block is yesterdays news. I'm happy to say I'm feeling better and the light shins in through the darkness...
Then it all comes crashing down. the combination of medication is not working and once again I'm unable to sleep or i wake up at 4am. I dread the day of lucid existence ahead of me and keep on swimming.
I hope this new medication works. I need to feel better. I have well over a year clean and I just want to feel rested and refreshed. I want to go get in a good workout at the gym, get back to school and meetings.
We will see. I do hope I sleep tonight...

1 comment:

  1. I hope the new meds work too. Congrats on over a year clean and I really respect your honesty. I understand that it is so much easier to tell the truth when you are doing drugs than it is to talk openly about recovery after you have quit.